Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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