I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
