would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
