I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
