dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
