It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
