Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
