I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
