If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize