im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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