dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
