The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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