How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
