I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
