seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
