literally had 100 drinks last night.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
