I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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