this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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