Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
