I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
