i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
