I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
