no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
