I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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