I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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