new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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