I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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