Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
