You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
