You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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