I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
