Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
