I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
