i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
