well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize