Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
