I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
