i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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