There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
