honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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