Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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