i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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