I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
