My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
