god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
