the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
