If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
