Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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