Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
