if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
