Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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