So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
