Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
