Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm too high and old for this...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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