Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
