A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
