I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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